In our on-going search for a rental condominium, Ashit and I chanced upon a particular one, wherein the existing tenant who was supposed to meet us, was not around but told us his parents would let us in. I would not bore you with the story of our condo-search, or the condo, or even the tenant but just a snapshot of our conversation, with the parents, that has been chasing within the walls of my brain since last night.
Part I
(We walk by the long alley leading to the condo, knock at the door and are greeted by an elderly couple)
Us (they are Indians): "Hello, we have come to see the condo and your son told us you would be here."
Them (Oh, desi bacche): "Yes yes, he called and told us you were coming by. Come I will show you around."
Part I
(We walk by the long alley leading to the condo, knock at the door and are greeted by an elderly couple)
Us (they are Indians): "Hello, we have come to see the condo and your son told us you would be here."
Them (Oh, desi bacche): "Yes yes, he called and told us you were coming by. Come I will show you around."
Us (looks like they are visiting his son): "So how long has your son been in this house?"
Them: "About two years. We have come from India to help him move out and possibly buy a house."
Us: "Thats nice. It is a good market to buy a place."
Them: "Yes yes, in the rent you pay, you are better-off buying one. We lived in this country for almost 25 years and yet never know when is a good time to buy. I say, you just buy if you have to."
Us: "Oh 25 years, that is long indeed and you moved back to India now?"
Them: "We lived there for a year but will be between the two countries. My son and daughter both live here; they will settle down here."
Part II
Them (they are like my kids only; let me give them some tips): "Make sure you check this place thoroughly before moving in. See to it that the land lady cleans the condo properly before you move in. The carpet was not cleaned at all and the walls have stains all over."
Us: "Thank you 'uncle', that is really good to know."
Them: "Of course, you are Indians so I thought you should know. Do not tell the land lady I said these things."
Us: "No do not worry. We appreciate you said so we know in case we decide on this condo."
Them: "Yes yes, my son and his friends moved into this apartment immediately after the previous tenants moved out. So the land lady did not do much cleaning or repair. And boys will be boys so they just do not care for such things. They do not even listen when we tell them to check things properly. There is no light in any of the rooms. You have to add lamps, etc. The compressor was malfunctioned so the gas bill was high.."
Us (wow we know more than we need to...that is great): "These things are useful for us in case we move in. Thank you for sharind this with us. By when would your son move out of the condo?"
Them: "By the end of next month. We have notified the land lady and once we finalize the house, we will be out. But these kids do not listen..that is a problem. They just do what they want to do."
Us (can hear our parents echo the same!!): "Our parents complain the same about us."
Part III
Them: "Oh so you intend to move back to India? Why? Make sure you plan well before you leave this country. India is quite expensive and when we go there, you will realize things were cheaper in the US. Hope you are planning well."
Us (We better get going, its getting late): "Yes, we have been visiting often and realize things are different. But our entire family is there and the ties make us want to move back."
Them (oh, how I miss my family!): "Yes yes, I totally understand what you must be going through. Absolutely feel how it must be for you. We did not want to live in this country for the same reason. I was in India before I came to the US. My company moved me to the Middle-East but there were legal issues with my family joining me there and I could not leave them behind in India. When my children were born, I took the offer to move to the US instead and then time just went by. Now my kids are Americans. They have hardly visited India - maybe two-three times in their entire lives. They do not even like it there."
Us (sad..looks like they do not have much company around here and hence sharing with us)
Them: "About two years. We have come from India to help him move out and possibly buy a house."
Us: "Thats nice. It is a good market to buy a place."
Them: "Yes yes, in the rent you pay, you are better-off buying one. We lived in this country for almost 25 years and yet never know when is a good time to buy. I say, you just buy if you have to."
Us: "Oh 25 years, that is long indeed and you moved back to India now?"
Them: "We lived there for a year but will be between the two countries. My son and daughter both live here; they will settle down here."
Part II
Them (they are like my kids only; let me give them some tips): "Make sure you check this place thoroughly before moving in. See to it that the land lady cleans the condo properly before you move in. The carpet was not cleaned at all and the walls have stains all over."
Us: "Thank you 'uncle', that is really good to know."
Them: "Of course, you are Indians so I thought you should know. Do not tell the land lady I said these things."
Us: "No do not worry. We appreciate you said so we know in case we decide on this condo."
Them: "Yes yes, my son and his friends moved into this apartment immediately after the previous tenants moved out. So the land lady did not do much cleaning or repair. And boys will be boys so they just do not care for such things. They do not even listen when we tell them to check things properly. There is no light in any of the rooms. You have to add lamps, etc. The compressor was malfunctioned so the gas bill was high.."
Us (wow we know more than we need to...that is great): "These things are useful for us in case we move in. Thank you for sharind this with us. By when would your son move out of the condo?"
Them: "By the end of next month. We have notified the land lady and once we finalize the house, we will be out. But these kids do not listen..that is a problem. They just do what they want to do."
Us (can hear our parents echo the same!!): "Our parents complain the same about us."
Part III
Them: "Oh so you intend to move back to India? Why? Make sure you plan well before you leave this country. India is quite expensive and when we go there, you will realize things were cheaper in the US. Hope you are planning well."
Us (We better get going, its getting late): "Yes, we have been visiting often and realize things are different. But our entire family is there and the ties make us want to move back."
Them (oh, how I miss my family!): "Yes yes, I totally understand what you must be going through. Absolutely feel how it must be for you. We did not want to live in this country for the same reason. I was in India before I came to the US. My company moved me to the Middle-East but there were legal issues with my family joining me there and I could not leave them behind in India. When my children were born, I took the offer to move to the US instead and then time just went by. Now my kids are Americans. They have hardly visited India - maybe two-three times in their entire lives. They do not even like it there."
Us (sad..looks like they do not have much company around here and hence sharing with us)
Them: "I tell you, kids do not listen. They are so independent and hardly want to be with us (by now, their eyes are a bit moist). We feel rejected.."
Us (generation gap is it?): "No 'uncle', do not make assumptions; it is not rejection but things just work differently here if you compare to India."
Them: "Yes, yes I know it is not entirely rejection...but they do not want to listen to us. I told my wife just a while ago, "Be calm, there is no point in being hyper". Just a while ago, our son was home and we told him to stay home since you were coming. Heee would just not bother and said, "you guys are around, I am off.."
Us (generation gap is it?): "No 'uncle', do not make assumptions; it is not rejection but things just work differently here if you compare to India."
Them: "Yes, yes I know it is not entirely rejection...but they do not want to listen to us. I told my wife just a while ago, "Be calm, there is no point in being hyper". Just a while ago, our son was home and we told him to stay home since you were coming. Heee would just not bother and said, "you guys are around, I am off.."
Us (that bugger, knew you would have done that): "Its ok, we anyways, were here to see the condo and then would talk to the land lady directly." Them: "Yes, but he just took off. See they hardly bother. Things are different in India...when you have people over, you share a cup of tea, some snacks. Here it is sooo diferent. Even to meet your own blood, you need to call them, take an appointment! Kids here do not have strong ties with family. It is just the way that it! Few months ago, my mother passed away and I got a call from my children, "Sorry to hear that Dad" and bang, no words of expression. They have hardly met my mother 2-3 times their entire life. What do we say?"
End.
While realizing there are two sides to this, I never thought I would come face-to-face with this reality. I thought I was only supposed to read them in books, see them in movies or simply hear tales of such instances. Listening to it in first person did leave questions in both our minds when we got home. End.
1. If we do end up staying in the US for a long time and start a family, will we say the same things 30 years down the line?
2. Is this one of the reasons we want to go back to India? What is the guarantee we would not say the same things even if we did move?
3. Is this even such a big deal?
4. Does it matter where we are brought up or really the 'way' we are raised?
5. Hope our parents do not say the same things about us to others. Have we sub-consciously responded this way to our parents?
I can sympathize with the 'uncle' and 'aunty' and truthfully feel sad for them. And what else can one do anyways? But the way I see it, things do stand different in this day and age. Infact, being in India does not guarantee a bonded upbringing just like being outside of it does not necessarily mean privileged with opportunities. More than the place, what would matter more is the the thought-process in the kind of future I would want to raise a family, places to go to, people to meet, a journey that one is meant to be on rather than assuming it best for the unborn. Hence, I would not want to reason my decision, to stay in a particular place, based on what would be best suited for my child who is not even born in thought.
There were loads of opportunities my parents gave me (and my siblings) and we made the most of it. In that sense, we were privileged indeed! And thanks to the rapport developed between us, we share a fair amount of openness, trust, space and most of all, hugh unconditional emotional attachment. And this is the reason why being in India means more than anything else. Other things just follow suit.
4. Does it matter where we are brought up or really the 'way' we are raised?
5. Hope our parents do not say the same things about us to others. Have we sub-consciously responded this way to our parents?
I can sympathize with the 'uncle' and 'aunty' and truthfully feel sad for them. And what else can one do anyways? But the way I see it, things do stand different in this day and age. Infact, being in India does not guarantee a bonded upbringing just like being outside of it does not necessarily mean privileged with opportunities. More than the place, what would matter more is the the thought-process in the kind of future I would want to raise a family, places to go to, people to meet, a journey that one is meant to be on rather than assuming it best for the unborn. Hence, I would not want to reason my decision, to stay in a particular place, based on what would be best suited for my child who is not even born in thought.
There were loads of opportunities my parents gave me (and my siblings) and we made the most of it. In that sense, we were privileged indeed! And thanks to the rapport developed between us, we share a fair amount of openness, trust, space and most of all, hugh unconditional emotional attachment. And this is the reason why being in India means more than anything else. Other things just follow suit.
