An Ode to Suman (xxxx - Nov 21, 2021)

Although we were not your kids, you cared for vai/harsh/me more than your own;

You showered us with your unconditional warmth and comfort.

No you were not our mom; but your role was just as strong.

You wiped our tears from the edges of your nine-yard saree;

You protected us from many harm;

You fed us our favorite foods; 

You were our go-to bank at month-end when we were low on pocket-money.

No you were not our mom; but your heart was just as Big.

You hid those candies from all our cousins and friends just so we get to keep them all :-)

You secretly gave the three of us more goodies than anyone else;

And no one dare take away any of our possessions!

No you were not our mom; but your over-protectiveness was just as evident.

You cared for every soul that came to our home; from the postman and the mechanic to every single guest, extended family and our friends;

You fed them all; you sounded them off too!

No you were none of their moms; yet such a powerful influence!

We are lucky and blessed to have YOUR kind of love; You showed us what it means to care and to serve; and what it means to do so unconditionally; 

No we were not your kids and still you treated us more than your own;

No you were not our mom; and you showed us what it takes to be MORE than one!

(Our beloved Suman/Taija passed away last week - amidst her loved one, with dignity and a free soul. She fought a good fight and we will miss her deeply. She is survived by her grand-daughter, grand-son and daughter. And by her legacy of care and warmth that she leaves behind for us.)

'Dancing in the Minefields'

This song has been playing in my head since a few weeks now and it just had to make it to my blog. I love this song because it narrates a beautiful story and it talks of bittersweet moments of relationships. No I wasn't married when I was 19 or 21 nor am I married for 15 years. I am not a strong believer in the kind of faith that is expressed in this song, nevertheless, it strikes a chord. It brings out in me a sense of integrity and a reminder, despite all travails and challenges, of what that promise is for.

Play this song, sing to it and treasure it -

'Dancing in the Minefields' by Andrew Peterson

Album: Counting Stars

I was 19, you were 21

The year we got engaged

Everyone said we were much too young

But we did it anyway

We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road

We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago

We went dancing in the minefields

We went sailing in the storms

And it was harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for

Well 'I do' are the two most famous last words

The beginning of the end

But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin

'cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down

And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found

And we are dancing in the minefields

We're sailing in the storms

And it was harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me

When I lose loves chains, bind me

At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days

when I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the son of man

So there's nothing left to fear

So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands

Till the shadows disappear

'Cause He promised not to leave us

And his promises are true

So in the face of this chaos baby,

I can dance with you

So lets go dancing in the minefields

Lets go sailing in the storms

oh, lets go dancing in the minefields

And kicking down the doors

Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields

And sailing in the storms

Oh, this is harder than we dreamed

But I believe that's what the promise is for

That's what the promise is for

The 'H' Word

The last 10 days have brought out some rather interesting discussions, debates, rallies and lots and lots of protests towards being Homosexual in today's world. California voters banned same-sex marriage last week; Gay-lesbians and their supporters staged a protest in downtown DC; Indian Cinema had a timely release of its entertaining comedy - Dostana - revolving around two hottest Bollywood dudes who pretend to be a gay couple. Another related report features an Israeli couple who had a son through a surrogate mother in India.

So while this issue of homosexuality has turned many a eyebrows among those prior to Gen X, in current day and age, it has become an accepted norm of existence. Or has it really?? Is it considered a Taboo or has the world become more understanding of the gay-lesbian lifestyle - as seen in the fictitious moments between Ross and Carol in Friends? Is being homosexual immoral? What is it about homosexuality that is considered a stigma in our society? Is it turning against the law of nature?

In ancient India, there have been several references to acts that were acknowledged to a certain extent. For example, Lord Shiva, a revered idol in Hinduism, has been understood to assume female form. The temples of Khajuraho depict homosexuality in a sensual and artistic manner. A separate community of individuals commonly known as the Eunuchs (males who express themselves as woman) have been part of ancient India as much as they are also part of today's society. According to the Hindu mythology - Mahabharat - Arjuna dressed as a Eunuch for a year as a curse. Again, they were (and still are) considered most non-threatening and most often, good luck during marriages and new-borns. Infact, Eunuchs were appointed as close confidantes of Queens and Princesses because they were considered harmless and yet able to tend to the needs.

The culture of today's India is quite androgynous, in the sense that everywhere we look, there is a display of affection among people: men walking in the city with arms around others' shoulders, one woman sitting on another woman's lap or simply holding hands and strolling by. This type of behaviour is seen more as being 'homosocial' and clearly acceptable in the society yet it get incredibly risky to assume such acts as notions of sexual intentions. On the other hand, there is this belief that if you are Indian, you cannot be homosexual! Remember Jaz in Bend It Like Beckham where she finds out her close friend is a gay and she exclaims, "How can you be gay? You are Indian!"

So what is being Indian got to do with the preference of intimacy? Infact, the concept of homosexuality is not even known in the circuit outside of urban India. Hence, it must have come as a surprise (or a shock?) when several months ago, Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil of Rajpipla in Gujarat admitted the fact that he was gay much to the dismay of his royal circle, so much so that he was disowned by his own mother. He leads his own personal life and has now started a nonprofit organization Lakshya Trust, fighting the cause of people affected by HIV and AIDS. But what happens to his wife to whom he was married thinking he'd become 'normal' and that 'no one would know'! On the other hand, it is commendable to come out in the open and admit this reality instead of leading a life of falsehood and simply denying the true behaviour. Back in Xavier's, I had a gay friend who believed that for him it was more important to be identified as a husband and a father than moving to the other side of being called gay. So is being gay really out of choice?

I am not supportive of homosexuality neither am I against it. I fully respect the viewpoint that homosexuality is not right but I do not personally believe that. We live in a world where individuals ought to have the right to their own sexual personality which is merely a single of all characteristics that truly define them. Of course, I wary of situations if my nieces and nephew were to talk to me about this. Infact, I may not be as surprised that they are already aware of what gay means even before realizing what sexuality is. Now that to me is surely unacceptable and dread of such alarming situations.

I end this post with a link on:

Third Toilets in Thai Schools

I cannot imagine such a thing in India for sure but also makes me wonder whether those boys were mocked at...and how bad?

Chocolates, Suman and My Nani

Chocolates, my Nani and Suman are my favourites!

I cannot specifically give a name to my relationship with Suman. Some may call her a maid, while others a governess. But I would probably, and always do, say that she is more than a mother to my sister, brother and me and all those who come home. And my nani, well do not for a minute take her for a modern, hip lady wearing a bun on top of her head. No, she is as traditional and old-fashioned as can be.

I find that these two ladies have shaped me in my thinking, the way I am today. In many ways, if not all, I do find myself being drawn towards their approach to things that I would involve in. Of course, in no way can I compare myself with them, as I would be far from being like them at this stage.

Suman, in nine-yard saris (which, even at the age of 57, she washes herself) and my nani in a typical Gujarati sari that is neatly starched, knot their hair - grey and golden respectively - at the back of their necks with a net and tend to celebrate all the festivals and functions that come their way. Somehow, I find that they both have a way with news and current affairs. Not that well aware, but their eyes drink in everything they see. They both could watch soap after soap on TV without confusing the characters in two different programmes.

In their lives, they have both seen a lot - some happiness and at the same time, a lot of hardships. Suman bore a son – who ran away during his childhood – and a daughter who is now a widow. She also lost her husband at a very young age. Despite her meagre resources, she tends to make sure to give her daughter all she can. On the other hand, my nani got married at an early age (typically in those days) and bore three children. She used to live in a joint family with a total of 14 people with a lot of socializing and hosting dinners and lunches. I guess till date, she can never forget those days when she’d be making more than 80 chappattis a day for everyone at home!

A typical behaviour that they both seem to convey is that wherever they go (nani at the park or a social function while Suman usually in the market area), they would have come out having made some good contacts and if we ran into those people after some time, they would usually remember them and ask about them. One of the things I just love about both of them is how neatly organised their wardrobe would be. Suman has a habit of putting together photographs of all of us and her cupboard would be covered with a collage of such collectibles. My nani has an amazing ability of tailoring and mending things, large and small. I only hope this is a genetic component I carry! She has a way of tracing relationships with almost anybody. If she was introduced to anyone from some suburb in Mumbai or even say, any of my friends, chances are she knew some relative of theirs! Some of my close friends would love to chat with her because she has a tendency to make them feel great.

Although I have not been able to spend as much time with my nani, I thank God for those months when she stayed with me as a typical grand-mother while my parents were away. I can never forget those days when she’d take out seeds from watermelon just so that I could eat them conveniently. While Suman, who has lived with us for almost 30 years, has now become an integral part of the family. The house can completely go haywire if she is not around. I remember when as kids we would get a limited amount of pocket-money and she would be our banker who would lend without expecting the amount back! Quite a funny thing I cannot forget about her is she tends to preserve smallest of things from food items to used wrappers to new gifts sent by guests. She thinks we might just empty out the chocolates or use them unnecessarily or give them away. I think it’s the possessive nature of hers than she cannot part with. During the last few years, they have both had a generous share of old-age illnesses that have made them weaker than usual. Despite that, they both can chatter away for hours and inquire about every single of our relatives and friends.

One of the qualities I see myself respecting in both of them is the unconditional giving that they engage in, in thought and deed. To this day, although my temperament can irritably get rude – especially to Suman who invariably makes hot milk for me in the afternoon after several warnings against it – I do wish that I could take my nani to the temple when she comes home to stay, or buy new glasses for Suman and take her out on drives at night to her brother’s home, or just give them both a tight hug for indirectly making me the person I am today. In short, they are both amazing women in their own right and share a legacy of their own!